I don’t buy it!
Who does this guy think he is? Calls himself The Reverend Billy and The Church of Stop Shopping?
And now he’s got this movie as well, “What would Jesus Buy?”
This…man…is banned in EVERY STARBUCKS in THE WORLD! And why, my friends? Because he tried to exorcise one of their cash registers. Yes, an innocent cash register.
A banned man, banned from Starbucks! That is just and righteous. Where is the evil in a cash register? We cannot, nay, will not, tolerate such infringements to our rights as consumers of six and seven dollar lattes. These are the coffees that Americans want to drink, the coffees that Americans will drink. Coffeebeans picked for peanuts by struggling coffee-farmers in the Garden of Ethiopia. (Response: “For God’s sake, stop whining: Shop and Grieve”.)
What is it with the Reverend Billy, with his white suit and his long flowing platinum hair. Who does he think he is? What does he think he looks like. This man is a danger. This man goeth about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As he did at Victoria’s Secret, did he also do at Macy’s on Black Friday –the Holiest Day in our Consuming Calender, the Holiest Day on which the nation finally buys its way indulgenced into heaven. There he was, getting in the way of Commerce and the Righteous Hunger for Stuff, and the credit card debt that keepeth the economy afloat.
Give us our cheap toys, whether or no they be lead-painted and lead-tainted; give us this (Black Fri)day our knockoff bags, our $1000, nay $10,000 baubles, our diamonds of death, our $6 unfair lattes, our teaser-rate subprime mortgages. Everybody say “Caveat Sucker!” Amen.
Pray with me, Brothers and Sisters, say a prayer so we may Rise Up against Old Splitfoot and the “Moral Hazards” that he seeks to snare us with. Somebody say “Get Thee behind Me!”
Somebody say “Shop and Grieve.”
As we enter the Holiest Season, here is a modest proposal: Brothers and Sisters, let us pause and let us stop shopping; together let us cut back on Expensive Baubles in the Kingdom –indeed, just one may suffice– and instead buy one of our guys in the exterior darkness of Iraq and Afghanistan a Full Set of LatterDay Body Armor –there are some who still languish without the Body Armor of The Lord to protect their frail frames, their vulnerable lives.
Whether For War, or Not for War, let us together as a nation do this one Right Thing, let us stop shopping, let us spend our own personal treasure at home, so as to keep their bodies and souls together, so that our HEARTS — after four years sore-tired of “GOING OUT”– may go out…less. And less.
And no more, no longer.
Let us shop for them over there, so we need not ourselves grieve here.