The Reverend Billy and his Church of Stop Shopping –WHO???

I don’t buy it!

Who does this guy think he is? Calls himself The Reverend Billy and The Church of Stop Shopping?
And now he’s got this movie as well, “What would Jesus Buy?”

This…man…is banned in EVERY STARBUCKS in THE WORLD! And why, my friends? Because he tried to exorcise one of their cash registers. Yes, an innocent cash register.

A banned man, banned from Starbucks! That is just and righteous. Where is the evil in a cash register? We cannot, nay, will not, tolerate such infringements to our rights as consumers of six and seven dollar lattes. These are the coffees that Americans want to drink, the coffees that Americans will drink. Coffeebeans picked for peanuts by struggling coffee-farmers in the Garden of Ethiopia. (Response: “For God’s sake, stop whining: Shop and Grieve”.)

What is it with the Reverend Billy, with his white suit and his long flowing platinum hair. Who does he think he is? What does he think he looks like. This man is a danger. This man goeth about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. As he did at Victoria’s Secret, did he also do at Macy’s on Black Friday –the Holiest Day in our Consuming Calender, the Holiest Day on which the nation finally buys its way indulgenced into heaven. There he was, getting in the way of Commerce and the Righteous Hunger for Stuff, and the credit card debt that keepeth the economy afloat.

Give us our cheap toys, whether or no they be lead-painted and lead-tainted; give us this (Black Fri)day our knockoff bags, our $1000, nay $10,000 baubles, our diamonds of death, our $6 unfair lattes, our teaser-rate subprime mortgages. Everybody say “Caveat Sucker!” Amen.

Pray with me, Brothers and Sisters, say a prayer so we may Rise Up against Old Splitfoot and the “Moral Hazards” that he seeks to snare us with. Somebody say “Get Thee behind Me!”

Somebody say “Shop and Grieve.”

As we enter the Holiest Season, here is a modest proposal: Brothers and Sisters, let us pause and let us stop shopping; together let us cut back on Expensive Baubles in the Kingdom –indeed, just one may suffice– and instead buy one of our guys in the exterior darkness of Iraq and Afghanistan a Full Set of LatterDay Body Armor –there are some who still languish without the Body Armor of The Lord to protect their frail frames, their vulnerable lives.
Whether For War, or Not for War, let us together as a nation do this one Right Thing, let us stop shopping, let us spend our own personal treasure at home, so as to keep their bodies and souls together, so that our HEARTS — after four years sore-tired of “GOING OUT”– may go out…less. And less.

And no more, no longer.

Let us shop for them over there, so we need not ourselves grieve here.

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2 Responses to “The Reverend Billy and his Church of Stop Shopping –WHO???”

  1. Beth

    Re “Stop Shopping” exhortation: May I suggest a lovely alternative to Christmas presents for your friends and loved ones? Instead of another necktie or cookbook or whatever tschotchke, make a contribution in your loved one’s name to This organization (over 60 years old, based in Little Rock) is the forerunner of the micro-loan movement. gives animals to low-income families all around the world. A heifer, for example (a pregnant cow) is given to a poor family in a rural area so they can start a self-sustaining dairy farm. Similarly, will give a llama to a poor family in Peru, or a water buffalo to a family in Southeast Asia. They give pigs, or flocks of geese/ducks/chickens… whatever animals are appropriate for the local ecology. They also plant trees. You can donate a flock of geese for as little as $20, and the price ranges shift according to the animal’s size and accessibility. The donee family is trained in animal husbandry, as needed. And here’s the best part… a condition of their gift is that the family must promise to “pass on the gift” … which means that they must give one of their animal’s offspring to a neighbor family. Truly a self-sustaining gift that builds community ties while strengthening each family’s economic future. is very highly rated for effective performance, and low overhead. Our family began donating to them a few years ago, and our circle of friends has begun donating to them as well. Imagine knowing that instead of buying Christmas stuff nobody needs, your hard-earned money can purchase a healthy animal to help a family build a new life!

  2. Malachi

    Dear Beth,
    That is just a truly wonderful suggestion, and one that I most heartily endorse. So, EVERYBODY, that’s
    And for the family that’s “got everything” –or even a lot of it –why not, as Beth suggests, donate a “set of goslings” (is that the same as a “flock of geese”?) AND a set of body armor for one of our military folks serving in Iraq. If you can believe it, after almost five years, a lot of them STILL don’t have the full, proper, latest body armor.
    The set of body armor does cost a lot –I looked into this myself a couple of years ago, and it is no casual donation for most of us– but I’m betting that there are quite a few Hedge Fund types who don’t quite know what to do with their year-end bonuses, or even some Sub-Prime Teaser-Rate Types who have “done well” out of the housing debacle.
    As I said, it doesn’t matter whether you are AGAINST THE IRAQ WAR (as I am), or FOR THE IRAQ WAR, we all still want to save a life, possibly even the life of some 18 year old kid who joined up in a rush of patriotism to defend us all against those (nonexistent)weapons of mass distruction. That’s one of the aspects that I find most painful –I know a few of those kids and how they responded to “BRING IT ON” by rushing in to the volunteer army. In the face of more Crony Incompetence, some of these kids parents raised the money themselves by running bake sales on their lawns. (But remember, a lot of people don’t have lawns.)

    Oddly enough, whether you accept Beth’s suggestion or mine in this giving season, you are giving the gift of life –protecting and even saving life in Iraq, or enriching life in a farflung corner of the globe, and no doubt doing your bit towards restoring the nation’s good name

    Season’s greetings